Crap that Lifeguards hear while on duty.

We all hear hilarious and obnoxious crap anywhere we work. Be it from fellow employees, bosses or customers, they all have some traditional sayings common to the place where we, from the other side that does put up with them, have to deal with. Here’s a list of some of the (mostly) dumb crap I have to listen to, and some theoretical answers that never leave my mind due to my position of (certain, although low) authority at the beach.

When I confront people taking chances with the sea, people often answer back with: “I was born at this beach.” “Don’t worry, I swim very well.” Or even “You were not even born and I already swam at this beach”… Well, I’m sorry Sir or my Lady. I thought that the obvious fragility on your legs while the waves almost sweep you off the floor had something to do with the cold temperature of the water, but it seems I was mistaken. Worst than taking chances is doing so while fooling yourself that you’re apt for anything should something go wrong. Thankfully, I never had any problems with people arguing back, so at least they respected my suggestion to go to a safer place.

Another set of questions come from the people who are also involved in the questions above. These ones, however, already know the answers to their questions, they’re just trying to influence us into changing the flag so that they can dive into the ocean without going against the flag’s indication. “Why is the flag green/yellow/red?” or “When can we enter into the water?” Ladies and gentleman, the flag hoisted is hoisted because the sea and the state of the atmosphere at the eyes of the Lifeguard led him or her to choose that flag. Different Lifeguards may operate differently but whatever flag is chosen, it must be respected. But you already know that don’t you?

Then we have the common knows-nothing who enjoys guessing, but I probably believe these people come from the mountains and are not in contact with the sea as much as we do since we live only 10 KM away.
“Why is there foam in the sea? Is it polluted?”

And then we have the most stupid ones where I honestly imagine me bashing their heads with my torpedo. “Can I dive in?” this happens mostly when the flag is red. If you don’t know, it is forbidden to dive by law when the red flag is hoisted. So no, you can’t freaking dive in! The only thing that should be diving in would be my torpedo up yer stupid ass…


In a concession, it is forbidden to raise windshields, tents or any other piece of junk that messes up with visibility right in front of the tents that are or will be rented. There are signals pointing to the areas where you can use that kind of equipment to better protect you from the sun and the wind and yet, a lot of people still manage to go the most unprotected area on the beach, RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE FREAKING TENTS! Yeah! Where the wind blows stronger and where the tides manage to reach during half the cycle! And then, when I politely warn them that they should place their stuff in the correct area, they still retort with “Isn’t the beach for everyone?” or even “But it is not forbidden to place them here…” Oh, it isn’t forbidden? Sure yes, it isn’t specifically stated in the law, but guess what, ignoring the signs may get you a one-way ticket of about 55€ to 255€, issued by the Maritime Police. Should I call them and see who gets it right? Probably not since you moved your lazy ass elsewhere.


And then, animals at the beach. It is forbidden and it is well shown with two signals on my beach. So why do you bring them here through the carpet for people with reduced movement? Do you not see the red and white signal saying in four damn languages “Animals forbidden”? And sometimes, when I politely approach them to inform that animals are forbidden in the beach, they proceed to say the magic words: “Should I let the dogs at home then?” Dude. I’m sending your ass across the world… Do you recall what happened to me last time I was easy on a dog? Read it here! I even point out unconcessioned areas where you may bring your pet to a walk without bringing me or anyone else at my beach, any kind of trouble. Guess sometimes we should fight fire with fire. Ugh…

Anyway… I vented out a little here. It was good to point some of the stuff we Lifeguards have to go through. Peace out! Wish you all the best!


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